Vodka, Peach Schnapps, Orange Juice and Cranberry Juice… mixed in a highball glass is called Sex on the Beach. But I don’t want to talk about that fancy schmancy alcoholic beverage with a tiny umbrella. I want to talk about real sex on the beach…yes Sex – On. The. Beach.
On the two or three occasions I have had the opportunity to have a little lovin’ on the beach it hasn’t really gone all that well. It sounds so romantic doesn’t it? Laying down a blanket or towel on the sand, moonlight shining, waves breaking in the background, a little kiss and cuddle *cue music*
Very, very romantic…. but have you ever tried rubbing the wrong side of a lemon zester on the inside of your wrist? Yeah, that shit hurts. So there you lie getting all romantic, things are progressing quite well and as you get down to the actual deed you realize sand gets everywhere, literally EVERYWHERE. They say sand is a good exfoliator for your skin, but not on the inside for goodness sake – beach sex is like having intercourse with an emery board. Or sandpaper rolled around a stick. Chafing like you cannot believe, in places you didn’t know you had.
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| Emery Boards - Not a good option |
And then, for days after you are finding grains of sand and even tiny seashells in all your nooks and crannies. I’ve even had to sit and pick driftwood out of my lady parts {well probably not actual driftwood, but definitely something that came home from the beach in my knickers}
So next time you’re at the beach with your other half just remember, the payback is just not worth it and don’t ever believe the movies when you see them rolling in the waves because the salt water mixed with sand is even worse.
And yes, I did say I've tried two or three times (possibly more). Some people never learn, but when the urge takes you, you’ve just got to say yes… any time, any place… that’s me!
